So you are wondering whether you can change parenting style? Or you are wondering whether someone can change their style of parenting?
Answer to this question is a Yes and a No. Wondering why is it so? Hear me out, then you will understand.
Only certain in life is change. Like anything you can change everything. So, parenting style can be changed. So you got to know, why the answer was Yes. You must be wondering how it is a NO?
Human beings are creatures of habit. So, behavior is a habit. Parenting style is a result of set of behavior patterns. Have you heard this about HABIT? If you remove H from habit, abit will remain. If remove a from abit, bit will remain. If you remove b from the bit, it will remain. If you remove i from it, t will remain.
Know Your Why
This is so because, habits are deep rooted subconscious patterns. They are like sleeping serpents, they just need a trigger to wake up. According to me, changing a habit is a bit challenging task. However, human mind and power of mind is unimaginable. If you consciously decide to change it, you can certainly change it.
Let me share the science and the art behind this process of changing the parenting style. To change something, you need to have a bigger why. Bigger the why? Easier the change. You need to know why you want to change it?
A person is willing to change his behavior for two reasons, either he or she is fed up with the pain they have been going through. So they want to change to avoid further pain.
The other scenario where change happens is, where the person is inspired by the outcome of the action.
So, understand why do you want to change your parenting style.
Let me share my parenting journey. As a child, I was very curious about psychology, so I used to read about it. When I became mother, I was very cautious about my behavior and was always trying not to hurt my children’s psych. It was effective till they were toddlers. When the world started influencing their behavior, they perceived me as a permissive parent. Their behavior changed. I realized what was happening. I had to change my behavior else, it would spoil them. I had found a big why, to change my parenting style.
Find The Root Cause
You need to understand, what is causing ineffectiveness? Is it the perception of your children (as was in my case) or your personality? You need to have clarity about it.
If the ineffectiveness is due to perception, it is an easier job. However it is due to personality, you need to work on it consciously.
Changing The Perceived Reality
Perception is created based on the signals we send out. For example, you have set consequences for some behaviors with your child. Say, if homework is not done, child will not watch favorite cartoons. When the child doesn’t do homework first time, he comes and pleads you, you forgive and let him watch the cartoon. The next time, he will not do the homework and starts watching it, without even telling you. This pattern will continue. He has perceived that consequences aren’t effective anyway.
Over a period, this can become a belief in other areas, not just for homework.
On the other hand, when the first time child misses the homework, if you become firm and not allow him to watch, he gets the message, mom means what she says.
This is how perceptions are created. You need to check what behavior is sending what signals to your child and change your behavior to change the perception.
Changing The Personality
Personality is a very deep subject. At the core of personality lies beliefs and values. Say, If you aren’t able to set boundaries, it could be due to you believe, boundaries aren’t good and people might not love you for setting the boundaries.
You may not like to hear this truth, however this belief indicates somewhere at the core your inner child is hurt or scared. You need to work on it to heal it, so that this belief can be replaced with an empowering belief such as “setting boundaries is okay, it is for my good”.
Changing personality need conscious efforts.
What Next?
To summarize, we can change anything in life, including our core personality or parenting style.
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See you on the other side.
